My Wife could Beat up your Honor Student

It's six A.M. and while you lazy maggots are rolling over in bed for a little more shuteye the Colinator is chugging back some coffee. She's just 30 minutes away from doing battle with a bunch of noseyparker middle school kids. She forces math down their unwillingly throats until 3:30 at which point most of us would probably drive home and put a gun to our head or at the very least drown our sorrows in red wine and lavender bubble baths.

Not Elissa, nope she has just begun. She stays at school grading papers until 5:30 then hussles straight over to the gym for Cross-Fit where she pumps iron and shames the men at pull-up contests. She finally comes home around 7:00, pushes me around a bit, cooks up a healthy meal as I beg for pizza, hops in for a quick shower and passes out cold only to wake up 8 hours later to do it all again.

You'd think that she would at least tire out every now and then, and it's true she only goes to Cross-Fit Mon. Tues. Thurs. and Fri. Wednesday she leaves school as early as possible then hussles down to the crag to crush 5.13's in all the weak sauce climbers' faces. Yup, Saturday and Sunday too. Which means...she never rests. Never.

Recently I think Elissa has gotten more psyched for training for climbing than actually climbing. Last Memorial Day Weekend while you were all stuffing hamburgers, hot dogs, and Bud Light down your face holes Elissa was killing it at the Cross-Fit competition down in Charleston, West Virginia. Jumping rope and pumping iron! That's right, while I was out sport climbing with the boys and acting tough she was going head to head with this guy!

She came home complaining about how her back hurt, not only from all the Clean and Jerks, but from dropping a 75 pound barbell into the small of her back. I shrugged it off cause she's usually sore from something until she casually mentioned that it hurt worse than when she shattered her arm in a million places. Not much more than a peep from Elissa though. Nails. Hard as nails.

All these pictures were published in the Charleston Gazette on Monday. Way to kill it Colley! I'm so proud! And hey, a word of advice to all you rednecks out there. Next time you think about smacking your wife around... put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Don't even think about it!

I know what it feels like to live in fear. Did I remember to put the trash out? Oh God, I hope so. I better go check just to make sure.